Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize