Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
