If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
