my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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