Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
