I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
