the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
