obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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