He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
