the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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