i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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