i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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