So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
