Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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