I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I will be naked everywhere
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
