i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
