Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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