Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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