In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
