wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
