When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize