I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
