There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
