we made out on top of his cat.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Houston, we have a blender
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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