you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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