I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Acid is not a monday night drug
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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