Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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