apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
