I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
