Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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