I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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