I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
