I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
