just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
