we have pet lesbian snakes
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
