what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
