omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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