I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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