Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
