It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
