If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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