So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
