I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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