I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
