they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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