why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
