Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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