Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
