I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think your dad took our porno
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
