I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
