if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
