hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
