Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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