seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
