Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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