i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
