Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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