Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
