If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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