she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize