I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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