Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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