in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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