Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
