I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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