come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
