I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
